Is it darkest before dawn?

15th June episode

One of the most painful episodes in the Sajan journey.

Starts with a long Majan scene where mayank tries to bring Gunjan face to face with her feelings. She says she didn't want to meet Samrat ever again. He says - what about in your thoughts, your dreams ... you haven't stopped thinking about him, and I know, because I haven't stopped thinking about Nupur. She stops him fiercely - don't mention Di and Samrat in the same sentence. He says, somewhere I was at fault too, because I told him to speed too. But she didn't and that's what she can't forgive, because somewhere deep in her heart is the feeling that if Samrat had listened to her, or maybe if she had insisted more, her Di might still be alive. It was a death that could have been avoided - or so she feels. So she hasn't still come to terms with her loss, hasn't still accepted it. She appears to have moved on, appears to have made herself stronger but she hasn't actually. It's as though she's exchanged places with the old Samrat - earlier, she was weak and timid from the outside and strong within, but now, she's strong on the outside, but crumbling within herself, the pain eating away at her, the regret that what if ...

Maynak is on the way to forgiving Samrat ... that's what Nupur would have done, he feels, so he is ready to move on. And yesterday, he saw Samrat's pain and guilt ... the Sayank bonding revived somewhat, and that had to happen. The first step had to be for Mayank to forgive Samrat ... because till now, Gunjan had a partner in both her grief and her hate, each feeding off the other's pain. Now after joining Excel, punishing Samrat with harsh words at every step and seeing him not react, silently accept all that Mayank says, seeing his penitence, the hell that he's been living in - that started Mayank's forgiveness, and the getting drunk together, going back to college days and their friendship, probably accelerated it.

The pani puri stall - scene of Sajan's togetherness. Samrat's flashbacks to that time, when they thought their love was strong enough to withstand time itself. And where they have reached now - he remembers in an agony of guilt and pain ... and then he sees her.
Chashmish.
She doesn't turn. All through their conversation, she never turns to look at him even once. He accepts her punishment without complaint, accepts that he doesn't have the right to call her Chashmish any more ... all he was living for for to see her, to try and lessen her sorrow, her pain, take it on himself, but he can't. And finally she says ... that Samrat I loved died with Di, the Gunjan who loved him died too. There's nothing left. And she walks away. He says, look at me just once ... if you ever loved me. But she doesn't.

Maybe she doesn't dare to. She's been keeping that hatred burning and alive in her heart to keep the pain at bay. She's made herself strong, gone on with life, again to hide her pain, to mask it. Because that's the kind of person she is, she always was. She only showed her pain to Samrat or her sister, if ever - or she hid it. And she's doing it again. The day she's unable to hide her pain, the day her tears come bursting out, the day she can shout and scream and hit out at someone, give vent to her feelings ... that's when she'll be able to start healing. She hasn't been able to until now. She took over the strong role immediately - consoling Mayank when he broke down ... but she never had anyone in whose arms she could break down. And till she does, she can't go on.

And Samrat does know that. He's living only for that, for the day he can hold her, let her vent out her feelings, give way completely. Because the only person she can let down that guard with is him. He has always shown her all his weakness, his emotions, and now she needs to do the same. To let go.

And only when she forgives him for her sister's death, will come his own redemption. Becayuse she is his conscience, his hardest taskmaster, and the voice of his soul. Until she absolves him of his guilt, his self-blame, he cannot absolve himself.

Link

Gun & Mayank - forgiveness for Samrat

Sajan first meeting